ive been told i dont tell the story. mostly i dont have much to say, or id rather not. but today i jump the gun and expose my soul to you.
9 years ago i found a lump in my breast and with that endured years of physical and mental pain trying to get treated, the lump removed etc. only 19 yrs old i worked extra hours to cover medical costs at a private clinic after i was chased out of jhb general hospital for wasting their time. i understood though. there were women there who were much older and their cases more severe. thankfully, though, it was benign. in a cold foreign country i was fortunate enough to have it removed. but that cold day, i walked back home alone after an operation that removed part of my soul. a knife had sliced through a part of me that makes me feel whole as a woman. the mental hurt more than the physical. but i walked back to my dwellings alone and bewildered, right after the operation. in the years following ive endured the pain that i was told would continue. and in the past weeks, it has reached fresh new heights of severity. unbearable. i cant breathe. i dont breathe. how can one when your center feels like acid is being poured through it. and again, i have to endure the whole process all over again. the mammograms, ultra sounds, humiliation, questions, forms, bureaucracy, rejections, financial constraints, lack of sensitivity for womens health care, silence, happy face to my mother and friends, long lines, silence silence, silence.
so please forgive me. just this one time. to tell this story to you even if you dont know me that well. just before i submit back into silence and the brutal physical pain, id like to scream, here on 75.
thank you.
